It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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