i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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