Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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