walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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