I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
