He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
