I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
