Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
