sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
