i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
