So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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