My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
