We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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