I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
