in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
