Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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