No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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