I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
