theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
