I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
