she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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