I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
