I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
