My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
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