mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
