My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
