I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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