So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
