I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
