Kiss
Puke
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
