I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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