He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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