He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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