and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
