Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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