I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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