watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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