My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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