I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
