did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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