So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
