oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
