Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
