im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
