I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
