I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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