Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
