Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
