she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
