I am midnight drunk by noon
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
