My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
