I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
