if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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