Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
