His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
