she woke up with a sticky ear
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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