i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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