Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
