Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
